I’m going to hell

I’m going to hell…I lie to my mother and I don’t care.

OK, I went to Catholic school thru 9th grade. So between that and my mothers God given right to guilt and shame me into doing things, I feel guilty when I do wrong things…hell I feel guilty when I do right things…but mostly I’ve never been able to lie to my mother because she could ALWAYS tell. Mothers also have eyes in the back of their heads which is creepy.

But, I digress.

There were many, many things of value that my mother taught me and many bits of advice which either saved my life or steered  me on the right path. But she scared the shit out of me one day when at 13 I had pushed her too far . Her head spun 360 degrees, she leaned in and she spit out the words “ Nicole, stop, stop now…don’t push me....A MOTHERS LOVE CAN DIE you know”  Whoa!! The nuclear option!  Gotta say, that not only straightened me out right then…but it has lasted till right now.

I believed that when I left the house at 18 and eventually got a real job in the real world and supported myself like a grown up that I would finally have equal status as a grown up with my mother.

You know, when the nagging would stop … that never happened.

When the shameing  and guilting wouldn’t work…still waiting.

When I could say whatever was on my mind… until at the age of 30 when her hand came flying out of nowhere and backhanded me across the face for back talk ……” Nicole , I am still your mother and you can’t talk to me like that” .

When I could effectively withhold or lie about pertinent facts about my life… until at 32 we were talking about who knows what and I was lying and she said  “ Nicole, I’m your mother , don’t lie to me this is important”…so I told her half a lie sprinkled with truth. It was enough truth for her and a reminder to me that I would never be on equal footing with my mother.

So it brings me to now. My mother, God love her, is 93 and deep into a sad dementia. First the lapses, then the groundhog day conversations and now mostly confusion and fear. She still recognizes us, clearly remembers things past but cannot retain a now moment. I’m responsible for her care and finances and she has become very difficult to deal with as far as getting her to do things like bathing, leaving her apartment,  her bed, eat and go to the doctor. SO….I now lie to her and say she asked me to bring her this special lunch, that she just told me to get her hair washed, “but wait….mom you just called me to take you to the doctor!”… She stares at me and…….It works!  

Now I have graduated to telling her lies for my own amusement. She asks the same question over and over again (groundhog day) and by the third time I’m bored and I say things like “oh Katie is doing well, she is now a hooker in SF and raises parrots on the side, or, Yes mom, I won the election, I am the mayor of Virginia City, or Ron is into ballet but he’s upset that they don’t make tutu’s in his size, or Andre is going thru gender reassignment surgery and starting a McDonalds franchise. She smiles and asks the question again as if for the first time. Then I make more stuff up.

I’m going to hell…..I know it.